I was already a mom when you came along.
For the two years before you arrived, I raised your big sister and started the process of learning who I was now that being a parent was a part of my role. I had finally felt like my feet were underneath me, when I knew you were about to come in and change it all. I welcomed it … I knew what a blessing you’d be… but I also was nervous that I wouldn’t know how to do it.
So before they laid you on my chest… I PRAYED. I prayed hard that I would have the same love for you that I did for her. Because you, little man, were about to make me a mom of two.
And you were about to make me a boy mom.
But my nerves faded the minute you arrived and I felt you put your ear up against my heart. I knew you heard it beating with the same strength that it did for your sister, but just a slightly different rhythm.
Because laying on me was a new little body to protect. A new little heart to embrace. A new personality to learn. New challenges to face and new joys to soak in.
As months went on, it wasn’t an automatic shift for me.
In fact, for almost the first two years of your life I made the mistake of trying to treat you the same as your sister and often wondered why gently bouncing you the way that I did for her didn’t soothe you the same way. I got frustrated that you didn’t have the same relaxed temperament that she did because I didn’t know what to do with your independent ways. I couldn’t figure out how to connect with you.
There was a moment I wondered if God made the right choice in picking me as your mom. I just didn’t seem to get it, and you deserved better. Because while it wasn’t easy on me….I know it wasn’t easy on you either.
But somewhere in the journey I finally got it.
I was trying to mother you in the way I had become accustomed to … in the only way that I KNEW. But, I realized what you needed from me was simply to mother YOU… for every ounce of the beautiful little being that you were.
Ever since that day, you have blossomed into your authentic self. You and I have been inseparable. There is a calm between us. A inexplicable connection between us. A love between us. A respect between us.
And I will forever be grateful to you, little man, for not giving up on me along the way. Because for every thought I had in my head back then if I’d ever be able to bond with you or be able to be the best mom for you… there have been hundreds of moments that have shown that we are the perfect mother/son match.
I have learned how to simply be present with you when you’re angry, because I know you have a quick temper and just need a little love to get through it.
I have learned how much you love to make people laugh, so I let you do your crazy dances in the middle of a restaurant.
I have learned how much you love your time with me, so I ask you every once in a while to come along for a just-you-and-me trip to the grocery store.
And YOU have learned how much your “I love yous” melt my heart, so you drop them in the moments I need them most.
You have learned that I will be your safe space, so you know you can come to me when you’ve made a mistake and I’ll love you and teach you through it.
You have learned that your jokes make me laugh, so you try to tell me a new one almost every day.
I have learned to see you for who you are… and love you for who you are. And you’ve done the same for me. And while some days it makes me sad that it took us so long, in some ways I believe it has made us closer.
No, you didn’t just make me a boy mom, buddy. You made me YOUR mom.
And I’m forever grateful God chose to send you down to give that blessing to me.
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